Talk With Gloria: Why sex matters more than you think (Part 1)

Talk with Gloria

By Gloria O Ukamaka

They’d been married for five years when she finally said the words that had been building in her chest for months.

“I think we should separate.”

He looked at her, shocked. “What? Why? I provide for this family. I’m faithful. I don’t drink, I don’t cheat. What more do you want?”

And that’s when she said it. The thing she’d been too ashamed to say out.

“We haven’t had sex in eight months. And when we do, it feels like… a chore. Like something I have to get through. I don’t feel wanted. I feel used.”

He was stunned. Not because he didn’t know. But because he thought it didn’t matter that much.

This is a real couple. A real marriage. And the root of their crisis isn’t money, in-laws, or even infidelity. It’s the absence of healthy sexual intimacy.

And before you scroll past thinking this doesn’t apply to you, let me tell you something: this conversation makes everyone uncomfortable. But that’s exactly why we need to have it.

Because sex in marriage isn’t a “nice to have.” It’s not optional. It’s not just physical. And it’s certainly not something we should be ashamed to talk about in the church.

Sex is God’s idea. And He said it’s good.

Today, we’re going to talk about what God actually says about sex, why so many marriages are struggling with it, and how to experience the intimacy God designed for you.

SEX IS GOD’S IDEA (AND HE SAID IT’S GOOD)

Let’s start here, because this is where most people get it wrong.

Sex is not dirty. It’s not shameful. It’s not just for making babies.

God created sex. And when He created it, He looked at it and said, “It is very good” (Genesis 1:31).

Think about that. The same God who created the mountains, the oceans, and the stars also created sexual pleasure. And He wasn’t embarrassed about it.

Genesis 1:28 – God literally told Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful and multiply.” Translation? Have sex. Enjoy each other. Create life together.

Song of Solomon– An entire book in the Bible celebrating sexual intimacy. Passionate. Poetic. Explicit. God included this in His Word because He wanted us to know that desire, attraction, and pleasure between husband and wife are holy.

Proverbs 5:18-19 – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”

Read that again. “May her breasts satisfy you always.” That’s in the Bible. God is not ashamed of marital pleasure. He celebrates it.

The problem is that religion made sex dirty. Shame crept in where God intended freedom. We were taught to suppress desire instead of stewarding it within covenant.

Here’s the truth: sex within marriage is sacred, beautiful, and meant to be enjoyed.

God didn’t create pleasure by accident. Research shows that the peak of orgasm engages the same neurochemical reward pathways as certain psychoactive drugs, producing a comparable surge of euphoria. God designed your brain to experience intense pleasure during sex. That was intentional.

He could have made reproduction mechanical and emotionless. But He didn’t. He made it pleasurable, bonding, intimate, and deeply satisfying. Because that’s how much He values the marriage covenant.

PRACTICAL TIPS FOR IMPROVING SEXUAL INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE

Before we go deeper, let’s address this practically. If your sexual intimacy is struggling, here are some starting points:

1. Communicate openly without blame.
“I miss being close to you” works better than “You never want me anymore.”

2. Prioritize it.
If you wait until you “feel like it,” you’ll wait forever. Schedule it if you have to. Date nights. Time without kids. Make it a priority.

3. Understand that intimacy starts outside the bedroom.
Husbands: help with the kids, affirm her, serve her. She’s more likely to desire you when she feels loved and valued all day, not just at night.
Wives: Respect him, encourage him, let him know he’s desired. He needs to feel wanted too.

4. Focus on connection, not just performance.
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present. Enjoying each other. Laughing together. Building intimacy.

5. Pray together.
Yes, really. Spiritual intimacy enhances physical intimacy. When you’re connected to God together, you’re more connected to each other.

Now, let’s dive deeper.

YOUR BODY BELONGS TO YOUR SPOUSE

This gets uncomfortable for some people. But we have to address it.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 says:
“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

Let’s break this down carefully, because this scripture has been twisted and misused.

What this MEANS:
– Sex is a mutual responsibility in marriage
– Both husband and wife have the right to sexual intimacy with their spouse
– Withholding sex without reason or agreement damages the marriage
– Your body is not just yours anymore it belongs to your spouse, and theirs belongs to you

What this DOES NOT mean:
– You can force your spouse to have sex
– Consent doesn’t matter
– You own them like property
– You can demand sex whenever you want without consideration

Let me be very clear: authority over your spouse’s body does not equal ownership for abuse.

AUTHORITY DOES NOT EQUAL SEXUAL SLAVERY

Some men have twisted this scripture to justify coercion, manipulation, and even marital rape. Let me say this plainly: that is sin.

When Paul says “the husband has authority over his wife’s body,” he’s not giving men permission to use their wives. He’s calling both partners to mutual giving.

Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

How did Christ love the church? Sacrificially, Selflessly With gentleness and care.

Not, “I want it when I want it, and you better comply.”

Real love considers the other person. Real love asks:
– Is she exhausted from taking care of the kids all day?
– Did she just give birth and her body needs time to heal?
– Is she going through something emotionally that makes intimacy difficult right now?
– Am I creating an environment where she feels safe, loved, and desired? Or just used?

1 Peter 3:7 tells husbands to treat their wives “with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.”

Notice that. If you’re not honoring your wife, your prayers are hindered. God takes this seriously.

Kindness toward your partner’s body matters. Gentleness matters. Consideration matters. This is not about one person’s rights over the other. It’s about mutual love, mutual respect, and mutual pleasure.

Colossians 3:19 says, “Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.”

If your approach to sex is harsh, demanding, or selfish, you’re not walking in love. You’re walking in entitlement. And that’s not Christ-like.

So yes, both spouses have authority over each other’s bodies. But that authority must be exercised with love, patience, and self-control not force.

WHY PEOPLE STOP ENJOYING SEX (THE REAL REASONS)

Now let’s talk about why so many married couples struggle with sexual intimacy. Because it’s not always about not wanting to. Sometimes there are real, legitimate reasons.

Physical/Biological Reasons:
– Hormonal imbalances (low testosterone, low estrogen)
– Pain during sex (vaginismus, endometriosis, etc.)
– Erectile dysfunction
– Exhaustion (especially new parents)
– Postpartum changes
– Menopause
– Chronic illness or medication side effects

Psychological/Emotional Reasons:
– Past sexual trauma or abuse
– Body image issues and insecurity
– Stress, anxiety, or depression
– Unresolved conflict in the marriage
– Feeling unloved or disrespected outside the bedroom
– Performance anxiety

Spiritual Reasons:
– Religious guilt or shame about sex
– Believing sex is sinful or dirty
– Lack of understanding that God celebrates marital intimacy

Relational Reasons:
– Poor communication
– Emotional disconnection
– Unmet needs outside of sex
– Lack of help with household responsibilities (she’s too exhausted)
– No romance, no foreplay, no effort

If any of these resonate, you’re not alone. And there are solutions.

BRIEF SOLUTIONS: WHAT TO DO

For physical issues: See a doctor. Seriously. Don’t suffer in silence. Gynecologists, urologists, and reproductive health specialists can help.

For psychological issues: See a therapist. Trauma, anxiety, and past wounds need professional help. Healing is possible.

For spiritual issues: Study what the scripture actually says about sex. Unlearn the shame religion taught you. Let God redeem your view of intimacy.

For relational issues: Talk without blame. Create emotional intimacy outside the bedroom. Meet each other’s needs. Serve each other.

GOD’S WORD

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” — Hebrews 13:4

God honors sex in marriage. It’s not dirty. It’s sacred. And when it’s missing or broken, it needs to be addressed not ignored.

CONCLUSION

Sex is good. God said so. He designed it. He celebrates it. And He wants you to enjoy it within the covenant of marriage.

If your marriage is struggling with sexual intimacy, don’t ignore it. Don’t let shame keep you silent. Address it. Get help. Communicate. Pray.

Because a sexless marriage isn’t God’s design. And a marriage where sex feels like obligation instead of joy isn’t what He intended either.

In Part 2, we’ll talk about why God reserved sex for marriage, what happens when we step outside those boundaries, and what to do if you’ve already crossed that line.

But for now, if you’re married: honor the gift God gave you, Pursue intimacy, Love each other well.

LET’S TALK

Is sexual intimacy a struggle in your marriage? You’re not alone.

Let me hear your story in the comment section. Or if you need to talk privately:

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
📞 07064936800