Talk With Gloria: Why Love Languages Fail (Part 2)

Talk With Gloria

By Gloria O Ukamaka

The Other Side of Love Languages: Why You Need Personal Love Expression Too ­

I remember the exact moment I realized something was broken in how I was loving.

I’d spent months learning his love language. Quality time. His core love language was quality time, and he needed me to be around him constantly. Not necessarily physically, we were in a long distance relationship, but emotionally present. We had to be on calls for hours. I had to make myself available, spending time I could have used doing something else just to be there with him.

And I was exhausted.

Not because I didn’t love him. I did, deeply. But because I was performing his love, not expressing mine.

See, I’m the kind of person who loves having alone time with myself. My natural way of showing love is through thoughtful acts of service. I notice what’s missing before you say it. I solve problems you didn’t know you had. I observe, I anticipate, I provide. That’s how love flows out of me. That’s where I feel the satisfaction of loving someone.

But I’d been taught that real love means speaking his language, not mine. So I suppressed my natural expression and became a translator, constantly converting my love into his dialect.

And slowly, I was dying inside.

Here’s what Part 1 taught us: you need the capacity to love before love languages even matter. But here’s what we’re addressing today: even with capacity, if you only love their way and never express love your way, you’ll eventually resent the very person you’re trying to love.

Because love isn’t just about making them happy. It’s also about the joy and satisfaction you experience in loving them.

THE PROBLEM WITH ONLY SPEAKING THEIR LOVE LANGUAGE

Let me be honest with you about something: the “speak their love language” teaching, while powerful, is incomplete.

It’s not wrong. It’s necessary. But it’s only half the equation.

Gary Chapman gave us a brilliant framework for understanding how people receive love. But he didn’t fully explore this: how do you sustain the joy of loving someone when you’re constantly translating your love into a foreign language?

If your natural love language is acts of service, but your partner needs words of affirmation, you’ll spend energy every day converting your instinct into their need.

For a while, it works. But over time, you start to feel like your love doesn’t count unless it’s expressed their way. You dismiss your own expressions as irrelevant. “I fixed your car, but that doesn’t matter because you needed me to say I’m proud of you.”

And slowly, you lose the joy of loving.

This is where so many people are right now. Exhausted. Performing. Feeling like their love is never enough.

But here’s the truth: your way of loving matters too.

THE BIBLICAL FOUNDATION FOR PERSONAL LOVE EXPRESSION

Stay with me here because this is where it gets deep.

Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Notice what it doesn’t say. It doesn’t say, “Husbands, ask your wives how they want to be loved, then do exactly that.”

It says love them as Christ loved the church.

Why? Because God first taught us how to love. Before any husband knew how to love his wife, God demonstrated it through Christ. He didn’t leave us guessing. He showed us the perfect model.

And how did Christ love the church? He laid down His life. That was His expression. That was the love that flowed from His nature. He didn’t survey the church and ask, “What’s your love language?” He loved us His way, through ultimate sacrifice.

But here’s the deeper purpose: God designed marriage to mirror the relationship between Christ and the church. This isn’t just poetry, it’s the blueprint. Marriage exists to reflect Christ’s love for His bride and to accomplish the ultimate goal, to worship God in unity as one.

That’s why God instructs husbands specifically to love like Christ. Not just to make their wives happy, but to fulfill the sacred purpose of marriage. Ephesians 5:26-27 continues: “to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

This is personal love expression at its highest. Christ didn’t just love the church in whatever way felt convenient. He loved with purpose, with sacrifice, with His whole being. And in doing so, He fulfilled both our need and His divine purpose.

The same applies to you.

When you love someone the way you were designed to love, there’s fulfillment in that. It’s not selfish, it’s authentic. And authentic love is sustainable love.

I know a man whose love language is acts of service. He prepares his wife’s day, handles responsibilities before she asks, plans ahead. That’s not duty to him, that’s devotion.

But his wife’s love language is quality time and words. So when he does all these things and she says, “You never just sit with me,” he feels invisible.

But here’s the balance: both expressions matter.

She needs to see his acts as love. He needs to also give her words and presence. But if he only gives her way, he’ll burn out. And if she only receives her way, she’ll miss half the love he’s pouring out.

WHY YOU NEED FREEDOM TO LOVE YOUR WAY

You can’t sustain what doesn’t fulfill you.

If loving someone always feels like work or performance, you’ll eventually run out of fuel. Not because you don’t love them, but because you’re disconnected from the source of your love.

When I express love through acts of service, observing needs and meeting them before they’re spoken, I feel alive. I feel connected to God’s heart. There’s a joy that refuels me to keep loving.

But when I’m forced to only express love through long conversations, I feel drained. Not because I don’t value the person, but because I’m operating outside my wiring without ever getting to express love the way it flows naturally from me.

And here’s what’s critical: that satisfaction isn’t selfish.

It’s the same satisfaction a teacher feels when they teach well. When you love your way, you’re not just giving love, you’re experiencing love. And that experience keeps your tank full so you can keep pouring out.

THE BALANCE: SPEAKING THEIR LANGUAGE AND YOURS

You need to speak their love language to meet their needs. And you need to express love your way to sustain your joy. Both.

Here’s what this looks like:

Your partner’s love language is physical touch. Yours is acts of service.

Speaking their language: You intentionally hug them when they come home. You hold their hand during conversations. You prioritize closeness even when it’s not your first instinct.

Expressing your way: You also fix things. You anticipate needs. You handle logistics. And instead of dismissing these as “not their language,” you help them see these actions as your love.

“When I prepare your lunch, that’s me saying I love you.”
“When I fix your car, that’s me saying you matter.”

You’re not asking them to stop needing physical touch. You’re asking them to also recognize your love when it shows up in your language.

When both of you do this, you create richer love. She feels loved in her language. He feels seen in his. Both are satisfied. Both are sustainable.

HOW TO PRACTICE PERSONAL LOVE EXPRESSION WITHOUT BEING SELFISH

Selfish love says: “I’m only going to love you my way. Take it or leave it.”
Personal love expression says: “I will learn to speak your language, and I’m also asking you to recognize mine.”

See the difference? One is demanding. The other is inviting.

Here’s how:

1. Communicate clearly. Tell them. “When I do acts of service, that’s my heart for you. I need you to see that as love.”

2. Still prioritize their language. Both matter.

3. Help them recognize your expressions. “I stayed up late finishing that project for you to ease your stress. That’s how I show love.”

4. Create space for both. Some days you speak their language more. Some days you express yours more.

This isn’t selfish. This is honest. And honesty is the foundation of sustainable love.

GOD’S WORD

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” — Ephesians 5:25-27

This is the standard. Love that’s personal, purposeful, and transformative. Not love that asks “what do you want?” but love that says “this is how I’m designed to love you, and it will make you whole.”

CONCLUSION

Love languages are powerful, but they’re not the whole story.

You need capacity to love. You need to speak their language. And you need freedom to express love your way. All three.

When you only focus on their language, you’ll burn out. When you only express your way, they’ll feel unseen. But when you do both, you build something sustainable and real.

I spent years dismissing my natural way of loving because it wasn’t “his language.” And I watched my joy slowly drain. But when I finally gave myself permission to say, “I love you through acts of service, and I need you to see that,” something shifted.

My love wasn’t invisible anymore. It was just in a different dialect. And when he learned to hear it, everything changed.

That’s what I want for you. Not to stop speaking their language, but to also have the freedom to express yours.

Because when both of you speak and recognize both languages? That’s when love stops being exhausting and starts being life-giving.

LET’S TALK

Have you ever felt like your way of loving wasn’t “enough” because it wasn’t their language?

Let me hear your story in the comment section. Or if you want to chat privately, you can reach me:

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
📞 07064936800
💬 Share anonymously: https://ngl.link/gloriainspires