Talk With Gloria: Beyond the Fight in Relationships (Part 1)

Talk With Gloria

By Gloria O Ukamaka

She showed up in class with makeup carefully applied over the bruise on her cheek.

Her friends noticed. They always do. But when they asked, she smiled and said what she’d been saying for months: “We just had a little fight. You know how it is. He gets really love when he’s upset.”

Love.

That’s the word she used for the boy who threw a plate at the wall two inches from her head the night before. The boy who grabbed her arm so hard it left fingerprints. The boy who screamed until the neighbors called to check if everything was okay.

When her friend gently suggested maybe this wasn’t normal, she said something I’ve heard too many times:

“But he only gets like this because he loves me so much. I’m the only one who can calm him down when he’s really angry. That means something, right?”

No, sis. That means you’re in danger.

You are not a lioness taming a lion. You are not special enough to make a violent man gentle. And love, real love, has never looked like fear, bruises, or walking on eggshells hoping today won’t be “one of those days.”

Yet somehow, this has become normal. Fighting has become synonymous with love. Toxicity has been rebranded as “keeping it real.” And an entire generation is walking into relationships thinking that if you’re not quarreling, you’re not really in love.

Let me be very clear: quarreling is not normal. It’s toxic. And today, we’re going to talk about why.

“IF LOVE IS BLIND, MARRIAGE WILL OPEN YOUR EYES”

“If love is blind, marriage go open your eyes.”

And honestly? It’s the truth.

People are rushing into relationships and marriages drunk on infatuation. No knowledge and preparation. No serious conversations about conflict, money, family, values, or vision. Just vibes and butterflies.

They meet. They feel something. Boom, they’re in a relationship. A few months later, boom, they’re engaged. And before you know it, they’re married, still riding on the high of “we’re so in love” without ever stopping to ask, “But do we actually know each other?”

Here’s what I’ve noticed: most people getting into relationships today have absolutely no knowledge about how relationships actually work. They think love is supposed to just… happen. Like some magical force that automatically makes two imperfect people compatible.

But relationship is hard work. It requires learning. Growing. Unlearning toxic patterns you picked up from your parents, your exes, or worse, from social media.

Because let me tell you something that might sting a little: you’ve been consuming lies.

Scroll through your timeline right now. What do you see? Couples posting their “fight and makeup” cycles like it’s cute. Tweets romanticizing toxic behavior. “He got jealous and broke my phone but then bought me a new one, I love this man.” Videos of people screaming at each other with captions like “This is real love, we keep it 100.”

And you’re watching. Liking. Laughing. Sharing.

And subconsciously, you’re learning.

You’re learning that love is supposed to be chaotic. That real couples fight loud. That if he’s not jealous enough to check your phone, he doesn’t really care. That passion looks like shouting matches and dramatic reconciliations.

And then when your relationship/marriage becomes exactly that, toxic, exhausting, draining, you think it’s normal.

“All couples fight,” you tell yourself. “Even my parents used to quarrel.” So you stay. You endure. You convince yourself that this is just what love looks like when it’s real.

But what if I told you that just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s right?

HOW SOCIETY/CULTURE NORMALIZED QUARRELING (AND WHY IT’S KILLING RELATIONSHIPS)

Let’s be honest about how we got here.

Somewhere along the way, culture decided that conflict equals connection. That if you’re not fighting, you’re not really invested. That “healthy couples argue.”

Even Christians have bought into this. I’ve heard people say, “Even godly marriages have quarrels. It’s biblical to disagree.”

And yes, disagreement is normal. But quarreling? That’s something else entirely.

There’s a difference between a calm, respectful conversation where two people express different perspectives, and a full-blown quarrel where voices are raised, insults are thrown, and things get broken.

One is conflict resolution. The other is chaos.

But we’ve blurred the lines so much that we can’t tell the difference anymore. We’ve normalized shouting. We’ve normalized disrespect. We’ve normalized using words as weapons and then saying “I was just being honest.”

And here’s where it gets really dangerous: when you normalize quarreling, you normalize everything that comes with it.

You normalize emotional abuse. “He didn’t mean it, he was just angry.”
You normalize manipulation. “She only said that to hurt me because I hurt her first.”
You normalize violence. “It was just one slap. He apologized.”

What starts as “we just argue sometimes” becomes “we fight a lot but we always make up” becomes “he gets physical but only when I push him too far” becomes “I don’t know how I ended up here.”

This is why I’m saying quarreling is not just unhealthy. It’s dangerous.

WHAT QUARRELING ACTUALLY REVEALS (AND WHY MOST PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THEMSELVES)

Here’s something most people need to realize until it’s too late: when you quarrel, you reveal parts of yourself you didn’t even know existed.

You know that sweet, soft-spoken guy who’s always so calm and collected? Watch him during a heated argument. Suddenly he’s screaming, slamming doors, saying things he swore he’d never say.

That gentle, graceful woman who prides herself on being classy? One triggering comment and she’s throwing things, cursing, bringing up stuff from three years ago.

Where did that come from?

It was always there. Buried. Hidden under “good behavior” and social politeness. But quarreling strips all of that away. It peels back the layers and shows you the raw, unhealed, uncontrolled version of a person.

And here’s the terrifying part: most people don’t even know this version of themselves exists until they’re in the middle of a fight.

They’ll look back after the dust settles and think, “I don’t even recognize who I became.” They’ll say things like, “I’ve never been that angry before” or “I didn’t know I was capable of that.”

But you were. You are. We all are.

Because when people quarrel, they’re not just reacting to what’s happening in the moment. They’re expressing everything they’ve been carrying that they never dealt with.

The childhood where Dad yelled and Mom cried, so now yelling feels like the only way to be heard.
The ex who cheated, so now every little thing feels like betrayal.
The parent who abandoned them, so now any sign of distance feels like rejection.

All of that pain, all of that trauma, all of those unhealed wounds, they come out during conflict.

And if you don’t have self-awareness, if you’ve never done the work to understand why you react the way you do, then every fight becomes an explosion. Every disagreement becomes destruction.

This is why so many people are shocked by their own behavior during arguments. They become violent. They break things. They scream. They say things designed to hurt.

And afterward, they’ll say, “That’s not who I am.”

But it is. It’s the part of you that never healed. The part you’ve been ignoring. The part that only shows up when you lose control.

And quarreling is what happens when people who don’t know themselves try to love each other.

LOVE IS ENOUGH (BUT MOST PEOPLE DON’T HAVE THE CAPACITY TO LOVE)

Now, before someone misunderstands me, let me be very clear: love IS enough.

The problem is never love itself. Love is perfect. Love is patient, kind, not easily angered. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Love protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres.

The problem is that most people don’t actually have the capacity to love.

And if you read last week’s article (if you haven’t, go back and read it because this builds on that), you’ll remember we talked about how having the capacity to love is different from knowing love languages.

You can know all five love languages. You can understand that your partner needs words of affirmation or quality time. But if you don’t have the internal capacity to give love or receive love, all of that knowledge is useless.

Capacity to love means:
– You can give love freely without expecting something in return
– You can receive love without suspicion or self-sabotage
– You can control yourself even when you’re upset
– You can speak truth without cruelty
– You can disagree without disrespect

And here’s the connection to quarreling: when people lack the capacity to love, they quarrel.

Because quarreling is what happens when selfishness takes over. When pride refuses to back down. When anger is given free rein. When past wounds are projected onto present situations.

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 16:14, “Do everything in love.” Everything. That includes conflict. That includes disagreements. That includes the hard conversations.

If it’s not rooted in love, it’s rooted in something else.

Greediness is the absence of love. You want to win more than you want peace.
Selfishness is the absence of love. You care more about being right than being kind.
Quarreling is the absence of love. You’ve lost control, and love is not in control.

When you love someone, truly love them, you don’t scream at them. You don’t call them names. You don’t try to hurt them just because they hurt you.

When love is present, you have self-control. You speak gracefully. You listen humbly. You disagree respectfully.

But when love is absent? That’s when things get ugly.

PEACE IS A CHOICE, NOT A PERSONALITY TRAIT

Here’s something I need you to understand: everyone has the capacity to fight. And everyone has the capacity to choose peace.

Peace is not a personality trait. It’s not something you’re just born with. “Oh, she’s naturally peaceful.” “He’s just a calm person.”

No. Peace is intentional. It’s a decision you make over and over again, especially when every fiber of your being wants to react.

I know couples,  who have been together for years and have never quarreled. Not once. And before you say “that’s impossible,” let me tell you: it’s not.

It’s rare. But it’s possible.

Because these are people who decided that peace was non-negotiable. That no matter how upset they got, they would not yell. They would not throw things. They would not say things they couldn’t take back.

They chose to pause when they felt anger rising. They chose to walk away and come back when they were calm. They chose to communicate instead of combat.

And that choice, repeated over time, became their reality.

But most people? They don’t make that choice. They react. They explode. They quarrel. And then they justify it by saying, “That’s just how I am. I have a temper.”

No. You have a choice. And you’re choosing chaos.

THE BIBLICAL STANDARD: GOD NEVER DESIGNED MARRIAGE FOR CHAOS

Let’s bring this back to the foundation: what does God say about how we should handle conflict?

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Ephesians 4:26 says, “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

James 1:19-20 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”

Read those again. Slowly.

God is not saying “don’t disagree.” He’s saying how you disagree matters. He’s saying your anger should be controlled. He’s saying your words should be gentle. He’s saying resolve it quickly before it festers.

God never designed marriage to be chaotic.

He designed them to reflect His love. And His love is patient, kind, and self-controlled. His love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. His love doesn’t lash out. His love doesn’t destroy.

If your relationship/marriage is full of quarreling, chaos, and toxicity, that’s not God’s design. That’s brokenness masquerading as passion.

GOD’S WORD

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” — Proverbs 15:1

“In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”— Ephesians 4:26-27

The enemy loves chaos. He thrives in unforgiveness, bitterness, and uncontrolled anger. Every time you choose to quarrel instead of communicate, you’re giving him space to work.

Choose differently.

CONCLUSION

Quarreling is not normal. It’s not cute. It’s not proof of passion or realness.

It’s dangerous.

It reveals unhealed wounds. It exposes a lack of self-control. And in too many cases, it becomes the gateway to emotional, verbal, and physical abuse.

If you’re in a relationship where quarreling has become the norm, I’m not here to condemn you. I’m here to tell you the truth in love: you deserve better. And it’s possible to have better.

Conflict is inevitable. Two people will disagree. But quarreling? That’s optional.

Next week, in Part 2, I’m going to show you exactly how to resolve conflict without quarreling. Practical tools. Real methods. Biblical principles.

But before we get there, I need you to ask yourself one question:

Is my relationship safe?

If the answer is no, or even “I’m not sure,” please reach out. Talk to someone you trust. Don’t normalize what God never intended.

Because love is enough. But only when it’s real love, rooted in God, expressed with self-control and grace.

And that kind of love? It doesn’t quarrel.

LET’S TALK

Have you ever been in a relationship where quarreling felt normal? Or maybe you’re realizing for the first time that what you’ve been experiencing isn’t healthy?

Let me hear your story in the comment section. Or if you need to talk privately, reach me:

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
📞 07064936800
💬 Share anonymously: https://ngl.link/gloriainspires