Talk With Gloria: Deeper Together (Part 2)

Talk With Gloria

By Gloria O Ukamaka 

In Part 1, we talked about the crisis emotional disconnection in marriage. Two people living like roommates instead of lovers, going through the motions but not actually connecting.

If that hit home for you, if you saw your marriage in those words, then this is the part you’ve been waiting for.

How do you rebuild emotional intimacy when it’s been dead for months or even years?

The good news is it’s possible. The challenging news is it requires intentionality, vulnerability, and consistent effort from both of you.

But if you’re willing to do the work, you can go from strangers sharing a bed to lovers sharing a life again.

Let’s talk about how.

CREATE REGULAR CONNECTION TIME

You can’t build emotional intimacy in the margins of your life, in the few minutes between work and sleep, in the random moments when you’re both too tired to engage.

You have to schedule it. I know that sounds unromantic, but spontaneity doesn’t work when you’re both exhausted and distracted. If you don’t plan for connection, it won’t happen.

Daily check-ins: Fifteen minutes or more, no phones, just the two of you. Ask about their day, really listen to the answer. Share something real, not just “work was fine.”

Weekly date nights: Not just going out to eat in silence. Actually connect. Talk about things that matter to each of you, remember why you both decided love, be intentional about enjoying each other.

Monthly or annual getaways: Leave the house, leave the kids with family, get away from all the distractions. You need time to reconnect without life pulling you in every direction.

This isn’t optional. If you want emotional intimacy, you have to create space for it.

ASK BETTER QUESTIONS

Most couples have surface-level conversations because they ask surface-level questions.

“How was your day?” gets you “Fine.”
“What did you do today?” gets you a list of tasks.

If you want deeper connection, you need to ask deeper questions.

Try these instead:

“What made you feel alive today?”
“What’s something you’re worried about that you haven’t told me?”
“What’s a dream you’re afraid to say out loud?”
“How can I love you better this week?”
“What’s something you’ve been thinking about lately?”
“If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?”

These questions require real answers. They open up conversations that actually matter. And when your spouse shares, don’t fix it, don’t judge it, just listen.

PRACTICE VULNERABILITY

Here’s what kills emotional intimacy: pretending you have it all together.

You show your spouse your strengths, your successes, your highlight reel. But you hide your struggles, your fears, your insecurities.

And when you do that, they only know part of you. They’re in love with a version of you that isn’t fully real.

Vulnerability is saying:
“I’m scared about this situation at work.”
“I don’t feel like I’m doing a good job as a parent.”
“I’ve been feeling lonely lately.”
“I don’t know what I’m doing, and I need help.”

It’s letting them see your real emotions, not just the ones you think they want to see.

Yes, it’s scary. Yes, it feels risky. But emotional intimacy is impossible without vulnerability. You can’t be fully known if you’re hiding half of yourself.

LISTEN WITHOUT FIXING

This one’s especially for the men, but women do it too.

When your spouse shares something with you, your instinct is to fix it. They tell you a problem, you immediately start offering solutions.

But most of the time, they don’t need you to fix it. They need you to hear it.

She’s not asking you to solve her stress at work, she’s asking you to validate that it’s hard. He’s not asking you to tell him what to do, he’s asking you to understand what he’s feeling.

So when they share, resist the urge to jump into problem-solving mode. Just listen. Validate. Be present.

Say things like:
“That sounds really unfair.”
“I can see why that would frustrate you.”
“I’m sorry you’re going through that.”
“How are you feeling about it?”

And if they do want advice, they’ll ask for it. But most of the time, being heard is enough.

PHYSICAL AFFECTION WITHOUT SEX

Here’s something that happens in a lot of marriages: physical touch becomes transactional.

If you hug her, she assumes you want sex. If you cuddle with him, he assumes it’s leading somewhere. So you both stop touching each other unless you’re ready for sex.

And that kills emotional intimacy.

Non-sexual physical affection builds emotional safety. It says, “I want to be close to you just because I love you, not because I want something from you.”

Hold hands when you’re walking. Hug without it leading to the bedroom. Cuddle on the couch without expectation. Kiss goodbye in the morning. Touch their arm when they’re talking.

These small acts of affection create connection. They remind you that you’re not just functional partners, you’re lovers.

SERVE EACH OTHER PRACTICALLY

Emotional intimacy isn’t just about deep conversations and feelings. It’s also about noticing what your spouse needs and meeting it without being asked.

Husbands: Help with the kids. Do the dishes. Notice when she’s exhausted and take something off her plate. Don’t wait to be asked, just do it.

Wives: Respect him when he’s struggling. Encourage him when he’s doubting himself. Don’t add to his stress, be his safe place.

When you serve each other, you’re saying, “I see you. I care about your well-being. Your happiness matters to me.”

And that builds emotional intimacy faster than any conversation ever could.

THE ROLE OF FORGIVENESS IN EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

You can’t be emotionally intimate while holding grudges.

Unforgiveness creates walls. Every unresolved hurt, every offense you’re still carrying, every time you bring up something from three years ago, you’re building a barrier between you.

Forgive the small things daily. They forgot to do something you asked. They said something that annoyed you. Let it go.

Address the big things with grace and honesty. If something truly hurt you, talk about it. But then forgive. Actually release it. Don’t keep bringing it back up every time you argue.

Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

If Christ forgave you when you didn’t deserve it, you can extend that same grace to your spouse.

HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT WITHOUT DESTROYING INTIMACY

Conflict is can be inevitable. But it doesn’t have to create distance.

Fight fair: No name-calling, no character attacks, no bringing up everything they’ve ever done wrong. Stay focused on the issue at hand. Having the understanding that you are not fighting each other rather fighting together against the issue at hand.

Resolve quickly: Don’t let it fester. Address it, work through it, forgive, move forward. The longer you let it sit, the worse it gets.

See conflict as an opportunity: Every disagreement is a chance to understand each other better. What triggered this? What need isn’t being met? How can we both feel heard and valued?

When you handle conflict well, it actually builds intimacy instead of destroying it. Because you’re proving to each other that even when things get hard, you’re committed to working through it.

WHAT IF ONLY ONE PERSON IS TRYING?

This is indeed is a challenging situation.

You’re doing everything you can to rebuild emotional intimacy, but your spouse isn’t engaging. They’re still distant, still closed off, still unwilling to be vulnerable.

You can’t force them. You can’t make someone open up if they’re not ready.

But you can keep showing up. Keep being vulnerable. Keep asking questions. Keep serving. Keep praying.

Sometimes, consistency breaks through walls that words never could. When they see that you’re serious, that you’re not giving up, that you genuinely want to know them, they might start to soften.

But if they refuse long-term, if they won’t even try, then you need outside help. Counseling, pastoral guidance, trusted mentors. Because one person can’t carry the entire emotional weight of a marriage.

THE SPIRITUAL SIDE OF EMOTIONAL INTIMACY

Here’s something most couples overlook: when you’re connected to God together, you’re more connected to each other.

Pray together. Not just quick blessings over meals, but real prayer. Pray for each other, pray about your struggles, pray about your marriage and family.

Study the Word together. Read Scripture, discuss it, let God speak into your relationship.

Serve together. Find a ministry, volunteer somewhere, do something that reminds you that marriage isn’t just about you two, it’s about kingdom purpose.

Worship together As One. Whether at church or at home, worshiping God together creates spiritual intimacy that spills over into emotional intimacy.

When God is at the center of your marriage, everything else aligns.

GOD’S WORD

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”— 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Emotional intimacy is built through encouragement, through seeing the best in each other, through intentionally building each other up instead of tearing each other down.

CONCLUSION

Emotional intimacy doesn’t happen by accident. It’s built through intentional connection, consistent effort, and mutual vulnerability.

If your marriage has been emotionally disconnected for months or years, it won’t change overnight. But it can change.

Start small. Pick one thing from this article and do it today. Ask a deeper question. Hug without expectation. Forgive something you’ve been holding onto. Pray together.

And then do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.

Because emotional intimacy isn’t a one-time fix, it’s a daily choice. A choice to know and be known. To see and be seen. To love and be loved.

And when you make that choice consistently, you’ll look at each other one day and realize you’re not roommates anymore. You’re lovers again.

LET’S TALK

Are you rebuilding emotional intimacy in your marriage? Or are you struggling to get your spouse to engage?

Let me hear your story in the comment section. Or if you need to talk privately:

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
📞 07064936800