Talk With Gloria: Marriage Dynamics (Part 1)

Talk With Gloria 

By Gloria O Ukamaka 

Let’s talk about one of the most misunderstood topics in marriage: submission and leadership.

Few scriptures create more tension than Ephesians 5. Mention it, and watch how quickly people react. Some quote it to justify control. Others reject it entirely because they’ve seen it abused. And somewhere in the middle, the actual truth gets lost.

Why does this matters? both submission and leadership have been twisted into things God did not intended.

Submission has been weaponized to silence women. Leadership has been reduced to authority without responsibility. And marriages are suffering because people are operating from fear, pride, and misunderstanding instead of biblical truth.

So let’s bring clarity. Whether you’re single and trying to understand what healthy marriage looks like, in a relationship navigating expectations, married and working through dynamics, or healing from past hurt, this is for you.

We’re going to talk about what the Bible actually says, what both roles require, and how marriage works beautifully when done God’s way, without toxicity.

Let’s get into it.

THE SCRIPTURE EVERYONE QUOTES (BUT FEW UNDERSTAND FULLY)

Ephesians 5:22-33. You’ve probably heard it at weddings, in sermons, in marriage counseling. And depending on who’s quoting it, it either sounds beautiful or terrifying.

Here’s what it says:

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord… Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

Now here’s what most people miss: verse 21 comes before all of this.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Before Paul addresses husbands and wives individually, he establishes something foundational: mutual submission. Both husband and wife submit to each other, and both submit to God first.

This isn’t about one person having all the power and the other having none. It’s about partnership, mutual respect, and both people honoring God in how they treat each other.

Notice also that submission is specifically to your own husband. Not to men in general. Not to anyone who claims authority. Not to boys pretending to be men. To your husband. The man you chose to marry, the man who has committed to leading you as Christ leads the church.

Context matters. And when we understand the full picture, both submission and leadership make sense.

WHAT SUBMISSION IS NOT

Let’s clear up some misconceptions, because there are many.

Submission is not slavery. It’s not blind obedience or losing your voice. You don’t stop being a whole person because you’re married.

Submission is not tolerating abuse. God never called anyone to submit to harm, whether physical, emotional, verbal, or spiritual. If someone is using “submission” to justify hurting you, that’s not biblical. That’s wrong.

Submission is not automatic. It’s not something demanded or forced. It grows naturally when there’s trust, respect, and godly leadership.

And here’s something important: submission applies to your husband, not to every man who quotes scripture at you. It’s specific, personal, and within the covenant of marriage.

Submission works when there’s godly leadership worth following.

WHAT BIBLICAL SUBMISSION ACTUALLY MEANS

So what is biblical submission?

It’s respect and honor. It’s choosing to align with someone who has proven trustworthy. It’s partnership, not dictatorship.

Submission na agreement, no be by force. (You know what I mean?) It flows naturally when a woman trusts that her husband considers her well-being, values her voice, and leads with wisdom.

Think about it: when a man loves sacrificially, listens, honors his wife’s input, and makes decisions WITH her instead of FOR her, submission isn’t a struggle. It’s a natural response to godly leadership.

But when leadership is selfish, controlling, or dismissive? That’s when submission feels like a burden. And that’s not the wife’s fault. That’s a leadership problem.

Submission works best when leadership is done right.

WHAT LEADERSHIP IS NOT

Now let’s talk about the other side, because leadership has been just as twisted as submission.

Leadership is not dictatorship. It’s not making all the decisions without input. It’s not, “I’m the man, so my word is final.”

Leadership is not authority without responsibility. You can’t demand respect while providing none. You can’t expect your wife to follow while you’re not leading anywhere meaningful.

Leadership is not automatic. Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you’re automatically a leader. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’ve earned your wife’s trust. Leadership is earned through consistency, sacrifice, and godly character.

Biblical leadership is not about power. It’s about responsibility.

Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

That’s the standard. Sacrificial love. Servant leadership. Laying down your life. Making decisions that prioritize your wife’s well-being, not your ego.

If you want to be the head, you have to be willing to carry the weight.

WHAT BIBLICAL LEADERSHIP ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE

So what does godly leadership require?

It requires sacrifice. Not just financially, but emotionally, spiritually, relationally. Leadership means putting your wife’s needs above your own comfort.

It requires humility. A godly leader doesn’t have all the answers, and he’s not afraid to admit it. He seeks counsel. He listens to his wife. He prays for wisdom.

It requires consistency. You can’t lead when you’re unpredictable, unreliable, or only engaged when it’s convenient. Leadership is daily, intentional, and steady.

It requires spiritual covering. A man who leads his home spiritually protects it. He prays for his family. He sets the tone for how God is honored in the home. He doesn’t just quote scripture, he lives it.

And here’s the part that makes leadership difficult: you’re accountable to God for how you lead. Not just for your own actions, but for how you guide, protect, and provide for your family.

That’s a heavy responsibility. And it’s why leadership is not something to take lightly or treat casually.

Leadership is not a title. It’s a calling that requires character.

WHY SUBMISSION BECOMES DIFFICULT (AND IT’S USUALLY A LEADERSHIP PROBLEM)

Here’s something many of us don’t talk about enough: when leadership is done right, submission is rarely a struggle.

Women naturally respect men who lead well. When a man is consistent, loving, wise, and considers his wife’s voice, she trusts him. And trust makes submission flow naturally.

But when leadership is absent, selfish, or controlling? That’s when resistance happens. And it’s not rebellion. It’s self-protection.

Many women struggle with submission not because they’re defiant, but because they’ve seen it abused. They’ve watched mothers suffer under men who demanded respect but didn’t earn it. They’ve been in relationships where “leadership” meant control, not care.

And culturally, women today are educated, capable, and independent. They don’t need to submit out of desperation. So if a man wants his wife’s respect, he has to show her he’s worth following.

That’s not disrespect. That’s wisdom.

The issue isn’t that women don’t want to submit. It’s that many men don’t know how to lead.

BOTH ROLES REQUIRE HUMILITY AND GROWTH

Both submission and leadership are processes, not automatic positions.

A man doesn’t become a godly leader just because he’s married. He grows into it through humility, learning, and intentionality.

A woman doesn’t automatically trust and submit just because she said “I do.” Trust is built over time through consistency and godly character.

Both people have to be willing to grow, learn, and submit to God first.

When both husband and wife are pursuing God, seeking His wisdom, and honoring their roles with humility, marriage works beautifully.

But when either side operates from pride, fear, or selfishness, the whole dynamic breaks down.

The goal isn’t perfection. It’s partnership. And partnership requires both people showing up with humility and grace.

GOD’S WORD

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” — Ephesians 5:21

Before individual roles are defined, mutual submission is established. Both husband and wife honor each other, and both honor God.

CONCLUSION

Submission and leadership are not weapons or tools for control. They’re roles designed to create harmony, balance, and partnership when both are done right.

In Part 2, we’ll dive deeper into how to build a healthy dynamic. How men can lead well. How women can trust godly leadership. And how both can work together without toxicity.

Because marriage is beautiful when it’s done God’s way.

Stay tuned.

LET’S TALK

Have you ever felt like you were trying to love but couldn’t access it? Or maybe someone loved you but you couldn’t feel it?

I’d love to hear your story.

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
📞 07064936800