Why You Love the Way You Do (Part 2)

Talk With Gloria 

By Gloria O Ukamaka

In Part 1, we uncovered something many people spend their entire lives not knowing: your attachment style is the hidden blueprint controlling your relationships.

We talked about the four types. Secure, the healthy one. Anxious, the clingy one. Avoidant, the distant one. Disorganized, the confused one.

And if you were honest with yourself, you probably identified which one you are. Maybe it stung a little. Maybe you saw patterns you’ve been repeating for years and finally understood why.

But here’s the question I know you’ve been asking since you finished reading: “Okay, so now I know my attachment style. But am I stuck with it forever?”

The answer is no. You are not stuck.

Your attachment style was formed in childhood, yes. But you are no longer a child. And with intentionality, self-awareness, therapy, and most importantly, God’s help, you can heal.

You can move from anxious to secure. From avoidant to open. From disorganized to stable.

Healing is possible. But it requires work. And today, I’m going to show you exactly how to do it.

WHY MOST PEOPLE STAY STUCK IN THEIR ATTACHMENT STYLE

Before we talk about healing, let us talk about why most people may not find it easy to heal.

1. They don’t know they have an attachment style.
You can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. Most people go their whole lives repeating the same relationship patterns without ever understanding why.

2. They think “that’s just how I am.”
“I’m just not good at relationships.” “I have trust issues.” “I’m independent, I don’t need anyone.” These statements sound like personality traits, but they’re actually wounds disguised as identity.

3. They keep choosing partners who reinforce their attachment style.
Anxious people choose avoidant partners who make them chase. Avoidant people choose anxious partners who confirm that people are “too needy.” You’re not healing, you’re recreating your childhood over and over again.

4. They avoid the inner work.
Healing requires therapy. Prayer. Confronting painful memories. Changing behaviors that feel natural. And most people would rather stay comfortable in their dysfunction than do the uncomfortable work of transformation.

But if you’re reading this, you’re not most people. You want to heal. And I’m going to show you how.

HOW TO HEAL ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT

If you’re anxiously attached, your core wound is fear of abandonment. You learned in childhood that love is inconsistent, so now you spend your adult life trying to control it by seeking constant reassurance.

1. Build self-worth independent of your partner’s validation.
Right now, your sense of security comes from how your partner responds to you. If they text back quickly, you feel loved. If they don’t, you explode. This is exhausting for both of you.

You need to learn that your worth doesn’t come from their attention. You are valuable whether they validate you or not. Start affirming yourself. “I am enough. I am loved by God. I don’t need constant proof to know I matter.”

2. Practice self-soothing when anxiety rises.
When you feel panic rising because they haven’t texted back, don’t immediately reach out. Sit with the discomfort. Breathe. Pray. Remind yourself that their silence doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

The goal is to stop making every small thing a crisis. Not every delay is rejection. Not every moment of distance is abandonment.

3. Challenge your anxious thoughts.
Your brain is wired to assume the worst. “They’re busy” gets translated to “They don’t love me anymore or they are cheating.” That’s not reality. That’s your wound talking.

When anxious thoughts come, challenge them. “Is this true, or is this my fear?” Most of the time, it’s fear.

4. Stop choosing avoidant partners.
I know they’re attractive to you. The emotional unavailability feels familiar. But they will trigger your anxiety every single day. Choose secure partners or partners actively working on their attachment. You need someone who can give you consistency, not chaos.

5. Get therapy.
Seriously. Anxious attachment often comes from childhood wounds that need professional help to unravel. A good therapist can help you rewire your brain and develop healthier patterns.

What secure attachment looks like for you:
You’ll be able to trust without needing constant proof. You’ll feel secure in the relationship even when your partner needs space. You’ll stop spiraling every time something feels uncertain.

HOW TO HEAL AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

If you’re avoidantly attached, your core wound is fear of intimacy. You learned in childhood that emotions aren’t safe, that vulnerability leads to rejection or pain. So now you protect yourself by keeping everyone at a distance.

Here is how you can heal:

1. Recognize that vulnerability is strength, not weakness.
You’ve spent your life believing that needing people makes you weak. That expressing emotions is embarrassing. That depending on someone means losing yourself.

But that’s a lie your childhood taught you. Real strength is being able to open your heart even when it’s scary. Real power is being vulnerable and trusting that the right person won’t hurt you for it.

2. Practice expressing emotions even when it feels uncomfortable.
Start small. Instead of saying “I’m fine,” try saying “I’m actually feeling a bit overwhelmed today.” Instead of shutting down when your partner asks how you’re feeling, try giving them something, even if it’s not everything.

It will feel unnatural at first. That’s okay. You’re rewiring decades of learned behavior. Keep going.

3. Challenge your need for extreme independence.
You pride yourself on not needing anyone. But here’s the truth: God designed us for connection. Genesis 2:18 says it’s not good for man to be alone. You were never meant to do life completely on your own.

Needing people isn’t weakness. It’s human. And learning to lean on someone without losing yourself is what healthy relationships look like.

4. Stop running when relationships get serious.
Every time things start getting deep, you pull away. You create distance. You find reasons why it won’t work. That’s your fear protecting you from potential pain.

But you can’t experience love if you keep running from it. At some point, you have to decide that the risk of being hurt is worth the reward of being truly known.

5. Get therapy.
Avoidant attachment usually stems from emotional neglect or dismissive caregivers. You need help understanding why emotions became unsafe and how to make them safe again.

What secure attachment looks like for you:
You’ll be able to let people in without feeling like you’re losing yourself. You’ll express your feelings without shame. You’ll stay present in relationships even when vulnerability feels uncomfortable.

HOW TO HEAL DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT

If you’re disorganized, your wound is the deepest. You experienced trauma. Your caregivers were both your source of comfort and your source of fear. You learned that love is dangerous, unpredictable, and painful.

1. This requires professional help.
I’m not saying this lightly. Disorganized attachment usually comes from abuse, neglect, or severe instability. You need a trauma-informed therapist. Not just any counselor. Someone trained in trauma work.

2. Learn to recognize your patterns.
You push people close, then shove them away. You crave intimacy, then panic when you get it. You create chaos because calm feels foreign. Start noticing when you do this.

Awareness is the first step. When you catch yourself sabotaging, pause. Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of right now?”

3. Address the trauma that created the disorganization.
This isn’t something you can just “get over.” You need to process what happened to you. EMDR therapy, trauma counseling, whatever it takes. The trauma is living in your body, and until you address it, it will keep showing up in your relationships or marriage.

4. Build safety and stability in your life before entering relationships.
If your life is chaotic, your relationships will be too. Start by creating routine, structure, and safety in your daily life. Stable job. Stable living situation. Stable friendships. You can’t bring peace to a relationship if you don’t have it in yourself first.

5. If you’re in a relationship, choose a partner who is patient, stable, and secure.
You need someone who won’t abandon you when you push them away. Someone who won’t escalate when you create chaos. Someone who can stay calm and consistent even when you’re all over the place.

But also recognize that it’s not fair to expect them to heal you. They can support your healing, but they can’t do it for you.

What secure attachment looks like for you:
You’ll experience stable, consistent love without the chaos or confusion. You’ll be able to trust that closeness doesn’t equal danger. You’ll stop sabotaging relationships when they start feeling good.

WHAT IF BOTH PARTNERS HAVE INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLES?

If you’re anxious and your partner is avoidant, you’re going to trigger each other constantly. You’ll chase, they’ll run. They’ll pull away, you’ll panic. It’s exhausting.

If you’re both anxious, you’ll spiral together, feeding each other’s fears and insecurities.

If you’re both avoidant, you’ll have a relationship that looks functional on the surface but lacks real emotional intimacy.

So what do you do?

1. Both of you need to commit to healing.
One person can’t carry the weight of two people’s wounds. If you’re both insecure, you both need to be actively working on yourselves. Therapy. Self-awareness. Intentional growth.

2. Learn each other’s triggers and patterns.
If you know your partner is avoidant and pulls away when things get intense, you can recognize that it’s their pattern, not a reflection of how they feel about you. If you know your partner is anxious and needs reassurance, you can give it without feeling smothered.

Understanding doesn’t fix everything, but it creates compassion instead of resentment.

3. Create a safe space for both attachment styles.
Anxious needs reassurance. Avoidant needs space. Can you find a balance where both needs are honored? “I need space right now, but I’ll check in with you in two hours” gives the avoidant person breathing room and the anxious person a timeline to hold onto.

It’s not easy. But it’s possible if both people are willing to meet in the middle.

4. If one person refuses to work on it, you have a decision to make.
You can’t heal a relationship where only one person is trying. If your partner refuses to acknowledge their attachment style, refuses help, refuses growth, you have to ask yourself: Can I live like this forever?

Love itself sufficient, we are mostly the ones short of it. Sometimes you have to choose your peace over a relationship that’s draining you.

CHOOSING THE RIGHT PARTNER FOR YOUR HEALING

Here is something you should remember: the person you choose will either help you heal or keep you wounded.

If you’re anxious, stop choosing avoidant partners. I know the chase feels exciting, but it’s not love. It’s trauma bonding. You’re addicted to the inconsistency because it’s familiar.

If you’re avoidant, stop choosing anxious partners who confirm your belief that people are “too much.” You need someone who can challenge you to open up without overwhelming you.

Seek secure partners. Or at the very least, seek partners who are actively working on their attachment. Someone who’s in therapy and do all the person can to be healthy. Someone who’s self-aware. Someone who wants to grow.

Because two wounded people trying to heal each other without doing their own work? That’s not a relationship. That’s a battlefield.

THE ROLE OF GOD IN HEALING ATTACHMENT

Let me tell you something that changed my life: God is the ultimate secure attachment figure.

Your earthly parents may have failed you. They may have been inconsistent, unavailable, neglectful, or even abusive. But your Heavenly Father has never failed you.

He is consistent. Loving. Present. Safe. He doesn’t abandon you when you’re struggling. He doesn’t dismiss your emotions. He doesn’t punish you for needing Him.

Psalm 27:10 says, “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.”

When you build your attachment to God, something shifts in you. You stop looking for humans to fill a void only He can fill. You stop needing constant validation because you know you’re loved unconditionally. You stop fearing abandonment because you know He’ll never leave you.

Healing your attachment to God heals your attachment to people.

Spend time with Him. Let Him parent the parts of you that were never properly parented. Let Him show you what consistent, safe, unconditional love looks like.

Because when you know you’re secure in Him, you stop clinging to people out of fear. And you stop running from people out of self-protection.

PRACTICAL STEPS TO MOVE TOWARD SECURE ATTACHMENT

Alright, let’s make this practical. Here’s what you need to do starting today:

1. Get self-aware.
Know your triggers. Know your patterns. Know what childhood wounds are still running your adult relationships. Journal. Reflect. Pray. Ask God to reveal what needs healing.

2. Get therapy or counseling.
I can’t stress this enough. Professional help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of wisdom. Find a therapist who understands attachment theory and trauma.

3. Stop choosing the same kind of people.
If all your relationships look the same, you’re the common denominator. Stop blaming them and start asking, “Why do I keep choosing people who recreate my childhood wounds?”

4. Practice new behaviors even when they feel uncomfortable.
If you’re anxious, practice not reaching out immediately when you feel panic. If you’re avoidant, practice sharing your feelings even when it feels vulnerable. Growth happens outside your comfort zone.

5. Give it time.
You didn’t develop your attachment style overnight, and you won’t heal it overnight either. Be patient with yourself. Celebrate small progress. Don’t expect perfection.

6. Surround yourself with secure people.
You become like the people you’re around. If all your friends have chaotic, toxic relationships, that’s going to feel normal to you. Find people who model healthy attachment and learn from them.

WHAT IF YOUR PARTNER HAS AN INSECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE?

Maybe you’re reading this and thinking, “I’m doing the work, but my partner isn’t. What do I do?”

Take this from me: you can’t fix them.

You can invite them to grow. You can share articles like this one. You can suggest therapy. You can model secure attachment.

But if they refuse to acknowledge their patterns, refuse to do the work, refuse to change? You have to decide if you can live with that.

Your healing cannot depend on their willingness to heal. You are responsible for you. And sometimes loving yourself means walking away from someone who refuses to meet you where you’re growing.

That’s not giving up on them. That’s choosing yourself.

GOD’S WORD

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”— 2 Corinthians 5:17

You are not stuck with who you were. In Christ, you are being made new. Your attachment style was formed in brokenness, but God is in the business of restoration.

He can heal what your childhood damaged. He can transform your anxious heart into a peaceful one. He can soften your avoidant walls. He can bring order to your chaos.

You are not too broken. You are not too damaged. You are not beyond healing.

God specializes in making broken things whole.

CONCLUSION

Your attachment style was formed in childhood. But it doesn’t have to define your future.

Healing is possible. Secure attachment is possible. Healthy, stable, life-giving love is possible.

But it requires work. Self-awareness. Therapy. Intentionality. And most importantly, surrender to God.

You can’t heal yourself in your own strength. But with God’s help, with professional support, with the right people around you, you can transform.

You can stop repeating your childhood. You can stop choosing the wrong people. You can stop sabotaging good relationships.

You can heal. And you deserve to.

So start today. Not tomorrow. Not when you feel ready. Today.

Because the life you want, the love you deserve, the peace you’re craving? It’s on the other side of this healing.

And it’s worth every uncomfortable, painful, growth-filled step.

LET’S TALK

Are you working on healing your attachment style? Or maybe you’re struggling to get your partner on board?

Let me hear your story in the comment section. Or if you need guidance, reach out privately:

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
📞 07064936800