Talk With Gloria: Why You Love the Way You Do (Part 1)

Talk With Gloria 

By Gloria O Ukamaka

I was in a vehicle traveling when a conversation started that I’ll never forget.

A young lady, probably in her mid-twenties, was talking about relationships. And then she said something that made the entire vehicle go quiet.

“I don’t see anything wrong with my boyfriend slapping me when I do something wrong. If I’ve wronged him, he has the right to correct me. That’s love.”

I sat there, stunned. Part of me wanted to say something immediately, but I held back. You don’t always know who you’re talking to in public spaces, and sometimes silence is wiser than engagement.

But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How does someone reach a place where they believe being beaten is love?

And she wasn’t alone. Over the years, I’ve watched this pattern repeat itself. Women who get beaten, leave, then go back and beg to be taken back. Men who are emotionally abused, dismissed, yet they keep chasing the same person who treats them like they’re worthless. People who know they’re being mistreated but can’t seem to walk away.

I used to think it was just low self-esteem. Or maybe desperation. But then I learned about attachment styles, and everything clicked.

These people aren’t weak. They’re wounded. And their wounds have taught them that love is supposed to hurt, that affection must be earned through suffering, that if someone isn’t mistreating them, they aren’t really invested.

This is what happens when your childhood teaches you the wrong definition of love or connection. And today, we’re going to talk about why you love the way you do, why you keep choosing the same kind of people, and why some patterns feel impossible to break.

Because the answer isn’t in your personality. It’s in your attachment style.

WHAT ARE ATTACHMENT STYLES?

Let me explain this as simply as possible.

Your attachment style is the blueprint for how you form emotional bonds. It was mostly created in your childhood, between the ages of 0 to 5, based on how your caregivers responded to your needs, trauma, or abuse.

It’s not your personality. It’s not a choice. It’s learned behavior from your earliest relationships.

And here’s why this matters: your attachment style controls everything about how you love.

It determines:
– Who you’re attracted to
– How you handle conflict
– Whether you can trust people
– How you show or hide your emotions
– Your ability to maintain long-term relationships
– Whether you fear abandonment or intimacy

Most people have no idea this blueprint even exists. They just know that their relationships keep following the same painful patterns, and they can’t figure out why.

“Why do I always pick emotionally unavailable people?”
“Why do I panic every time my partner needs space?”
“Why can’t I let anyone get close to me?”

The answer is in your attachment style. And once you understand it, so much of your life will suddenly make sense.

THE FOUR ATTACHMENT STYLES EXPLAINED

There are four main attachment styles. As I describe each one, pay attention to which one resonates with you. Be honest. This isn’t about judgment, it’s about awareness.

SECURE ATTACHMENT – The Healthy One

What it looks like:
You’re comfortable with both intimacy and independence. You trust easily. You communicate openly. You don’t panic when your partner needs space, and you don’t feel suffocated when they want closeness.

Childhood experience:
Your caregivers were consistent. When you cried, they came. When you needed comfort, they gave it. When you were upset, they didn’t dismiss you. You learned that people are safe, that your needs matter, and that love is reliable.

In relationships:
You can give and receive love freely. Conflict doesn’t terrify you because you know it can be resolved. You don’t fear being abandoned or losing yourself in the relationship. You’re the person everyone wants to date because you’re emotionally stable.

If this is you, congratulations. You either had great parents, or you’ve done serious healing work. Either way, this is the goal.

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT – The Clingy One

What it looks like:
You need constant reassurance. You fear abandonment. You’re overly sensitive to your partner’s moods. If they don’t text back immediately, you spiral. If they seem distant, you assume they’re losing interest. You overthink everything.

Childhood experience:
Your caregivers were inconsistent. Sometimes they were loving and attentive. Other times they were distant, unavailable, or dismissive. You never knew which version you were going to get, so you learned to constantly monitor their mood and seek validation.

In relationships:
You cling. You need validation constantly. You panic when your partner pulls away even slightly. You analyze every word, every text, every tone. You’re terrified they’ll leave, so you do everything to keep them close, even when it pushes them away.

Does this sound familiar?
“Why haven’t they texted me back? Did I say something wrong?”
“They seem distant today. Are they losing interest?”
“I need to hear them say they love me, or I don’t believe it.”

If this is you, your childhood taught you that love is unreliable. And now you’re spending your adult life trying to make it stable by controlling, monitoring, and seeking constant proof.

AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT – The Distant One

What it looks like:
You’re uncomfortable with closeness. You value independence above connection. You’re emotionally guarded. Vulnerability feels like weakness. When relationships start getting serious, you pull away.

Childhood experience:
Your caregivers were emotionally unavailable. Maybe they were dismissive of your emotions. Maybe they punished you for crying. Maybe they were physically present but emotionally absent. You learned that expressing needs or emotions doesn’t get you anywhere, so you stopped trying.

In relationships:
You keep people at arm’s length. You struggle to express feelings. You see emotional intimacy as a threat to your independence. When someone gets too close, you feel suffocated and pull away. You’d rather be alone than vulnerable.

Does this sound familiar?
“I don’t need anyone.”
“They’re being too needy.”
“I just need space.”
“I don’t know how I feel, and I don’t want to talk about it.”

If this is you, your childhood taught you that emotions aren’t safe. So now you protect yourself by refusing to let anyone in.

DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT – The Confused One

What it looks like:
You want closeness but fear it at the same time. Your behavior is unpredictable. You pull people close, then push them away. You crave intimacy but sabotage it when you get it. Your relationships are intense, chaotic, and unstable.

Childhood experience:
Your caregivers were frightening or traumatic. Maybe there was abuse, neglect, addiction, or instability. The person who was supposed to comfort you was also the person who hurt you. So you learned that love is dangerous.

In relationships:
You’re a walking contradiction. You desperately want love but don’t trust it. You get close, panic, and push them away. Then you fear losing them and pull them back. It’s exhausting for you and everyone around you.

If this is you, your childhood taught you that the people who are supposed to love you will also hurt you. And now you’re caught between craving connection and fearing it.

WHY THIS MATTERS

you’re probably repeating your childhood patterns without even realizing it.

If you grew up with inconsistent love, you’re likely attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable because that feels familiar.

If you grew up learning that emotions aren’t safe, you’re probably choosing partners who want deep connection, which terrifies you, so you run.

If you grew up in chaos, you’re likely drawn to intense, unstable relationships because calm, healthy love feels boring.

Your attachment style doesn’t just affect how you love. It affects who you choose to love.

And this is why some people keep ending up in the same toxic situations. It’s not bad luck. It’s not coincidence. It’s your attachment style recreating what it knows.

ANXIOUS AND AVOIDANT ATTRACT EACH OTHER

Want to know something heartbreaking? The worst combinations often find each other.

Anxious attachment is drawn to avoidant attachment like a magnet. And avoidant is drawn to anxious.

Why? Because they recreate each other’s childhood wounds.

The anxious person chases. “Why won’t they open up? Why won’t they let me in?”
The avoidant person runs. “Why are they so needy? Why can’t they give me space?”

And both are triggering each other’s deepest fears.

Anxious fears abandonment. Avoidant gives them exactly that by pulling away.
Avoidant fears engulfment. Anxious gives them exactly that by clinging tighter.

It’s a cycle that feels impossible to break. And if you’ve ever been in a relationship where you felt like you were constantly chasing or constantly running, this is probably why.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR ATTACHMENT STYLE

Still not sure which one you are? Here’s a quick way to figure it out:

Ask yourself these questions:

1. When my partner needs space, I…
– Feel fine and use the time for myself (Secure)
– Panic and assume they’re losing interest (Anxious)
– Feel relieved because I need space too (Avoidant)
– Feel confused and don’t know how to respond (Disorganized)

2. When conflict arises, I…
– Stay calm and want to talk it through (Secure)
– Get emotional and need reassurance immediately (Anxious)
– Shut down and withdraw (Avoidant)
– React unpredictably, sometimes exploding, sometimes disappearing (Disorganized)

3. My relationships tend to be…
– Stable and healthy (Secure)
– Intense and full of anxiety (Anxious)
– Distant and emotionally shallow (Avoidant)
– Chaotic and unstable (Disorganized)

If you’re honest with yourself, you probably already know which one you are. And if you’re reading this and realizing, “Oh. That’s why I do that,” then we’re getting somewhere.

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY

Here’s the truth I need you to hear: you didn’t choose your attachment style.

Your childhood created it. Your caregivers shaped it. You were a child, and you had no control over how you were loved or not loved.

So it’s not your fault.

But here’s the other truth: as an adult, it is your responsibility to recognize it and heal it.

You can’t keep blaming your childhood for your adult relationship failures. You can’t keep choosing toxic people and saying, “Well, this is just how I am.”

No. This is how you were. But with intentionality, self-awareness, and God’s help, you can heal.

God can heal what your childhood damaged. He’s in the business of restoring what was broken, redeeming what was lost, and making you whole.

But you have to be willing to do the work.

GOD’S WORD

“Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” — Psalm 27:10

Your earthly caregivers may have failed you. They may have been inconsistent, unavailable, or even harmful. But your Heavenly Father has never failed you.

He is the ultimate secure attachment. Consistent. Loving. Present. Safe.

And when you build your attachment to Him, He heals your human attachments.

CONCLUSION

You now know what attachment styles are. You probably know which one you have. And you’re starting to see why your relationships have followed the patterns they have.

This explains so much.

Why you keep choosing the same kind of person.
Why conflict feels so terrifying or suffocating.
Why you can’t seem to trust or open up.
Why love feels like it has to hurt to be real.

But here’s the good news: you’re not stuck.

In Part 2, I’m going to show you exactly how to heal your attachment style. How to move from anxious, avoidant, or disorganized to secure. How to stop repeating your childhood and start building the kind of love you actually deserve.

But for now, just sit with this. Which attachment style are you? And how has it been affecting your relationships?

Be honest. Because healing starts with awareness.

LET’S TALK

Which attachment style resonated with you? And have you noticed these patterns in your relationships?

Let me hear your story in the comment section. Or if you need to talk privately:

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
📞 07064936800