Talk With Gloria: The Real Reason You Still Clash in Relationships (Part 2)

Talk With Gloria 

By Gloria O Ukamaka

Why They Don’t Love Like You -The Temperament Side of Emotional Connection

Few months back, I visited my cousin and her husband at their home. I’d barely settled into the chair when she launched into telling him about her day, hands animated, voice bright, recounting every detail. He sat across from her, nodding occasionally, his face calm.

After about five minutes, she stopped mid-sentence, her energy deflating.

“You’re not even listening,” she said quietly.

“I am listening,” he replied, genuinely confused. “I heard everything.”

“But you’re just sitting there. You don’t seem to care.”

“I do care. I’m right here with you.”

They were both telling the truth. And they were both completely missing each other.

She was a Sanguine who needed visible engagement, verbal affirmation, emotional mirroring. He was a Phlegmatic whose love was steady presence, calm attention, quiet consistency. Same love. Completely different languages.

In Part 1, we unpacked how temperament shapes personality and conflict. But here’s the deeper truth: temperament doesn’t just influence how we act, it fundamentally changes how we love.

I’ve watched couples who are genuinely crazy about each other constantly hurt one another, not out of malice, but pure misinterpretation. She thinks his silence means he doesn’t care. He thinks her need for conversation means she’s never satisfied. They’re both wrong, they’re just speaking completely different emotional languages.

Yes, love languages matter. But here’s what most people miss: your love language flows directly from your temperament. You can memorize your partner’s love language all you want, but if you don’t understand their temperament? You’re still going to miss each other by miles.

How Each Temperament Loves and Connects

Every temperament gives and receives love differently. Recognizing this is what separates couples who last from couples stuck in exhausting cycles.

The Sanguine -The Expressive Lover

A Sanguine loves out loud, through words, laughter, spontaneous affection, and undivided attention. When they say “I love you,” they say it repeatedly, passionately, with their whole chest.

But here’s what breaks them: being ignored. Silence doesn’t feel like peace to them, it feels like abandonment. When you go quiet, they don’t think you’re processing, they think they’ve done something wrong.

The Choleric -The Action-Oriented Lover

The Choleric shows love through action, not flowery words. Their love sounds like: “Don’t worry, I’ll handle it,” or “I’ve already taken care of that.”

They feel most loved when you respect their competence. But their strength can seem controlling if you don’t understand it. A Choleric husband notices his wife is stressed about her mother’s surgery. He doesn’t sit for a long emotional talk. He researches doctors, rearranges his schedule to help, sets up support. To him, that is love. But his Melancholic wife feels hurt that he “didn’t want to talk about feelings.”

The Melancholic -The Deep Lover

Analytical, deeply feeling, impossibly loyal. Melancholics don’t love quickly, but when they do, it’s all in. They show love through thoughtfulness, quiet service, and sacrifices you might not notice.

But they feel everything deeply, so they hurt deeply too. A careless comment you forgot five minutes later? They’re replaying it two weeks from now. A Melancholic remembers every meaningful conversation, every promise. Her Sanguine partner makes an offhand joke about her “overthinking,” and while he’s moved on, she’s spent three days wondering if he finds her exhausting.

The Phlegmatic -The Peaceful Lover

Calm, steady, reliable as sunrise. The Phlegmatic loves quietly. They show up day after day without drama or grand gestures.

But their conflict-avoidance backfires. When tension rises, they withdraw. To their partner, that feels like indifference. A Phlegmatic man will sit with you in silence when you’re sad, make your tea exactly how you like it, never raise his voice. His Choleric wife sees this as weakness. “Why don’t you ever fight for us?” But to him, staying calm is fighting for the relationship.

What looks like “distance” might be their version of “peace.”
What feels like “control” might be their way of creating “security.”

Pointers To Watch Out For

Every strength, when unchecked, becomes a weakness:

– The Sanguine’s joy becomes distraction
– The Choleric’s drive becomes domination
– The Melancholic’s depth becomes depression
– The Phlegmatic’s peace becomes passivity

Most emotional disconnection happens when we stop interpreting behavior through understanding and start filtering it through assumption. You’re not fighting the person, you’re fighting their unrefined pattern.

Before you label your partner as difficult or insensitive, ask: “Is this a character flaw, or just their temperament showing up differently than mine?”

Temperament Triggers

When a Sanguine feels ignored

→they spiral into self-doubt

When a Choleric feels disrespected

→ they shut down emotionally
When a Melancholic feels misunderstood → they retreat into silence
When a Phlegmatic feels pressured

→ they withdraw completely

Understanding these triggers doesn’t excuse behavior, it explains it. And what you understand, you can navigate.

Think about your last three arguments. I’d bet at least two were rooted in temperament triggers, not actual offenses. She wasn’t being “needy,” her Sanguine nature was activated. He wasn’t being “cold,” his Phlegmatic wiring kicked in.

When you can name the pattern, you can interrupt it.

Emotional Intelligence Through Grace

Emotional intelligence isn’t just psychology, it’s spiritual. When the Holy Spirit governs your temperament, He gives you what you naturally lack:

– He teaches the Sanguine to listen, not just talk
– He teaches the Choleric to lead with gentleness
– He teaches the Melancholic to release anxiety
– He teaches the Phlegmatic to act with courage

The Spirit doesn’t change your temperament, He anoints it. He makes your natural tendencies instruments for peace and purpose.

God’s Word

“Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.”— Philippians 4:5

When the Spirit takes over, gentleness becomes your strength. Understanding becomes your language of love.

The Balance of Temperament and Love Language

Your love language tells you what fills your tank. Your temperament determines how you express it.

Two people might both need “quality time,” but want different versions. A Sanguine wants excitement and deep conversation. A Phlegmatic wants quiet presence and comfortable silence.

A Choleric whose love language is “acts of service” does big visible things. A Melancholic with the same language does small invisible things, remembering tiny details you mentioned months ago.

When you grasp this, you stop forcing your partner to love your way and start learning theirs.

How tO Speak Your Partner’s Temperament Language 

For the Sanguine: Engage visibly. Celebrate them verbally. Don’t withdraw when upset, explain what you need.

For the Choleric: Respect their competence. Be direct. Appreciate their actions as their “I love you.”

For the Melancholic: Be thoughtful with words. Give them space to process. Notice the small things.

For the Phlegmatic: Don’t mistake calm for indifference. Create safe spaces to share. Be patient with their pace.

Small adjustments that say, “I see you. I’m learning your language.”

Conclusion

Love thrives on understanding, not just compatibility.

Understanding temperament won’t fix everything, but it opens your eyes to why your partner loves, reacts, and feels the way they do.

My cousin and her husband? I saw them weeks later. When she talked, he leaned in, asked questions, smiled at her animation. When he went quiet, she didn’t panic. She just squeezed his hand, acknowledging his steady presence.

Same people. Different understanding. Transformed dynamic.

That’s what happens when you stop fighting temperament and start working with it.

Real love isn’t about changing who they are. It’s about understanding who they are, and letting grace do the transformation.

Let’s Talk

Have you felt misunderstood because of your temperament? Or does your partner’s emotional style feel completely foreign?

Drop your thoughts in the comments, or reach out privately.

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com
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