Talk With Gloria: Why You Clash in Relationships (Part 1)

Talk With Gloria 

By Gloria O Ukamaka 

Understanding the Hidden Dynamics That Shape Love, Compatibility, and Communication

“Person wey cold no suppose marry person wey cold. Person wey hot no suppose marry person wey hot.”

You don hear that one before? It’s one of those common sayings we all grew up hearing, a local wisdom that actually points to something deeper than we realize. What people call “hot” or “cold” is really temperament at work.

But sadly, many couples are suffering or breaking up because they never took time to understand it.

They call it incompatibility, but most times, it’s just ignorance about temperament.

The Root of It All-What We Really Mean When We Say “Opposites Attract”

Most times, when people say “opposites attract,” they’re unknowingly referring to temperament balance. Temperament is the God-given wiring that determines how we think, feel, and express ourselves.

When I first read “Why You Act the Way You Do” by Tim LaHaye, it felt like light flooded a room I didn’t know was dark. LOL!  That book didn’t just explain behavior, it explained people. It helped me understand why two people can genuinely love God, love each other, and still struggle to find harmony.

It’s not always about “evil spirits,” “bad character,” or “generational curse.”
Sometimes, it’s just temperament unawareness.
Temperament shapes how we love, how we react, how we handle conflict, and even how we interpret love.

A choleric (hot) person is naturally driven, bold, and decisive, but often struggles with dominance.
A sanguine (warm) person is expressive, spontaneous, and joyful, yet can lack discipline or follow-through.
A phlegmatic (calm) person is peaceful and stable, but can be too passive or indecisive.
A melancholic (deep) person is thoughtful, loyal, and analytical, yet can easily overthink and retreat emotionally.

Now imagine two “hot” temperaments, a choleric man and a Choleric woman  both passionate, expressive, and full of opinions.
Without understanding and balance, that relationship will produce more explosions than expressions.

And yet, when you pair two “cold” temperaments say, two phlegmatics,  the relationship may be peaceful but slow, lacking initiative or drive.

So, compatibility isn’t about similarity; it’s about balance.

Handling Conflict Through the Lens of Temperament

Conflict in relationships is not the absence of love; it’s often the clash of temperament.

For instance, a choleric partner wants to solve issues immediately. They want closure, direction, and control.
But a melancholic partner needs time to process.

So, while the choleric is saying, “Let’s fix this now,” the melancholic is saying, “Let me breathe first.”

The sanguine partner will likely talk through emotions, wanting reassurance, laughter, or affection to fix the issue, while the phlegmatic just wants peace, they’ll rather walk away than argue.
And this is why some relationships break over what could have been easily managed because temperament misalignment was mistaken for lack of love.

If you don’t understand your partner’s temperament, you’ll misjudge their reaction.
You’ll think they don’t care when they’re simply processing.
You’ll think they’re proud when they’re just passionate.
You’ll think they’re cold when they’re just calm.

Love grows best in understanding.
You cannot build emotional intimacy if you don’t understand emotional wiring.

Speaking Your Partner’s Temperament Without Losing Your Own

Understanding temperament is not about changing who you are to fit someone else. It’s about learning how to express love in a language your partner’s temperament can receive without losing your essence.

For example, if you’re a melancholic, your love is deep and reserved, but your sanguine partner thrives on affection and words.
You can learn to speak affirmatively not because it’s your default mode, but because it ministers love in their language.

If you’re choleric, you may need to soften your tone, slow your drive, and listen intentionally not because you’re weak, but because leadership in love is not control, it’s understanding.

And if you’re phlegmatic, your peace is powerful but sometimes you must be intentional about showing passion. Your calmness can be misread as indifference, so speak up, show interest, and engage.

It’s not about suppressing your temperament; it’s about yielding it to love.

Growing Temperamentally and Spiritually

Tim LaHaye wrote that “the Holy Spirit doesn’t change your temperament; He transforms its weaknesses into strengths.”

The beauty of growth lies in the Spirit’s ability to refine us without erasing who we are. Your temperament may shape your natural tendencies, but it’s not a prison. The Holy Spirit can help you mature emotionally, manage your reactions, and grow into a more balanced version of yourself.

Sometimes, when your partner points out a trait in you that’s difficult to live with, don’t be quick to say, “That’s how I am. It’s either you like me as I am or you leave me as I am.” That’s not growth that’s resistance.

The Holy Spirit doesn’t only comfort; He also corrects. If your temperament makes you easily angered, too rigid, too withdrawn, or overly emotional, don’t defend it, surrender it. Growth begins when you tell yourself, “I can be better through Christ.”

The goal isn’t to stop being who you are; it’s to allow the Spirit shape who you are becoming.

When Temperament Doesn’t “Fit” Perfectly

Sometimes, even after studying each other’s temperament, you’ll still feel like your personalities don’t “match.”
But that’s okay. Relationships aren’t built on perfect matches; they’re built on mature adjustments.

No temperament pair is doomed; every combination can thrive if both people are willing to understand, adjust, and grow. God designed marriage not to frustrate our differences but to refine them.
It’s a divine setup where love learns maturity, and temperament learns surrender.

Through understanding and grace, your differences become your greatest strength.

God’s Word

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
— Ephesians 4:2 (NIV)
That verse summarizes temperament grace.
It’s the reminder that love is not about changing your partner; it’s about bearing with their wiring, while both of you become more like Christ.

See Your Partner Differently

It helps you look beyond behavior, to the “why” behind their actions.

It helps you replace judgment with empathy and reaction with response.

Because when you truly understand temperament, you stop fighting personalities and start cultivating partnership.

Marriage or relationship isn’t a battlefield of differences, it’s a sacred journey of discovering how two unique personalities can reflect one divine purpose.

Every relationship is a blend of strengths and weaknesses, but love becomes lighter when understanding runs deeper.

Temperament awareness doesn’t erase differences, it explains them.

It teaches you to stop resisting what makes your partner different, and start learning how to love them with wisdom and grace.

And when two people choose understanding over assumption, patience over pride, and humility over ego, that’s where real intimacy begins.

In Part 2, we’ll go deeper into how each temperament loves, communicates, and connects emotionally and how the Holy Spirit builds harmony where natural wiring fails.

Let’s Talk

Have you ever experienced this in your relationship or marriage?

How did understanding (or misunderstanding) temperament affect your connection?

Share your thoughts in the comments, your story might help someone else.

If it feels too personal, you can reach out privately through any of the channels below.

📩 gloriaofficial25@gmail.com

📞 070649368000

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